Pronouns — what they are, why they matter, and how to use them

May 2, 2026 6 min read

Pronouns are the words you use to refer to someone without saying their name: she went to the store, he called yesterday, they are coming over tonight. They seem like small grammar things until you spend a day having the wrong ones used for you. Then they are not small.

What pronouns are doing

Pronouns are short stand-ins for names. In English, the third-person pronouns are gendered:

He / him / his / himself — typically used for men and boys
She / her / hers / herself — typically used for women and girls
They / them / their / theirs / themself — used for people whose gender is unknown, mixed groups, or as a singular gender-neutral pronoun

In Arabic, pronouns are even more gendered: verbs, adjectives, and many nouns conjugate based on whether the subject is masculine or feminine. There is no widely-used standard gender-neutral pronoun in Arabic — which is why the Iraqi queer community created انهف (inahuf); see the Inahuf guide.

Why pronouns matter for trans and non-binary people

When you are correctly gendered every day from birth, you don’t notice your pronouns. They just confirm what everyone agrees you are. When you are incorrectly gendered, every pronoun reminds you that other people see you as something you are not. Repeated misgendering — especially from people who know better — is exhausting and corrosive.

For a trans woman, every “he” is a small wound. For a non-binary person, every “ma’am” or “sir” is a misalignment. None of these single instances is catastrophic. The accumulation is what hurts.

Using someone’s correct pronouns is the simplest, lowest-cost respect you can show them. It also signals that you are safe — that you take their reality seriously.

Singular they

The use of they for a single person of unknown gender is centuries old in English. Shakespeare did it, Jane Austen did it. Modern dictionaries — Merriam-Webster, Oxford — recognize singular they as standard. People who claim it is “ungrammatical” are mistaken on the historical facts.

Modern usage also includes singular they for people whose gender is known but is non-binary, or who simply prefer they. “I met Aisha yesterday. They live in Erbil.” The they refers to a single specific person; their gender is not the focus.

Neopronouns

Some people use pronouns other than he, she, or they. The most common in English:

Xe / xem / xyr / xyrs / xemself — pronounced “zee / zem / zeer / zeers / zemself”
Ze / hir / hir / hirs / hirself — older form
Ey / em / eir / eirs / eirself — based on “they” with the “th” removed
Fae / faer / faer / faers / faerself — fae-set, popular in some communities

A handful of people use noun-pronouns (starself, vampself) — these are sometimes called “xenopronouns” and are most common in younger online communities.

In Arabic, انهف (inahuf) was created by the Iraqi queer community as a gender-neutral pronoun for use alongside the existing هي (hiya — she), هو (huwa — he), and هم (hum — they-plural). See our full guide to inahuf for the conjugation and examples.

How to ask for someone’s pronouns

The polite, low-friction way is to introduce yourself with your own pronouns:

“Hi, I’m Sara, she/her. What about you?”

This makes it normal to share pronouns and signals to trans and non-binary people in the room that you are someone safe to be honest with. It also doesn’t put anyone on the spot — they can use the most common pronouns for their apparent gender if they don’t want to disclose.

If you are unsure how to refer to someone you have just met:

Use their name until you know. “Aya said she… I mean… Aya said Aya wants to come” is awkward, but “Aya said she’d be there” or “Aya said they’d be there” is fine if you go with what feels most likely. If you get it wrong, correct gracefully.
Use neutral language in the first sentences. “Nice to meet you. What did you study?” doesn’t require a pronoun.
Ask quietly if it really matters. “What pronouns do you use?” is direct but kind.

How to use someone’s pronouns when you’ve just learned them

The goal is to internalize them so they stop being a conscious effort. Some practical tips:

Practice in your head. Think a sentence about the person using their correct pronouns. Repeat. Brain wiring follows habit.
Use them when the person is not in the room. Half the practice happens when you are talking about someone to someone else. If you only use the right pronouns when the person is listening, you are signaling that the pronouns are about politeness rather than truth.
Catch and correct. When you make a mistake — and you will — say the correct pronoun and continue. Don’t apologize at length, don’t ask for forgiveness, don’t make the person comfort you. “I saw her — sorry, them — at the café yesterday.” Move on.
Don’t avoid pronouns by using their name constantly. This is a common avoidance strategy and it is noticeable. The trans person knows what you are doing. Just use the pronouns.
If the person uses multiple pronouns (e.g. “she/they”), use them interchangeably. Many people who list multiple pronouns appreciate when others vary their usage rather than always defaulting to one.

What to do if you are misgendered

This is for trans and non-binary readers. If someone uses the wrong pronoun for you:

In safe contexts, you can correct gently: “Actually, it’s they.” Most people will accept the correction.
In unsafe contexts (with hostile family, in public, with strangers in Iraq), you may not be able to correct. This is a survival decision and you do not owe anyone a confrontation.
Find people who get it right — a friend, a partner, a community group. Even a few hours a week of being correctly gendered helps you carry the misgendering you cannot avoid.
Online spaces can be a refuge — message us at the community page if you need a place where your pronouns will be respected.

In Iraq

Asking for pronouns publicly in Iraq is not safe in most contexts. The act itself signals queer awareness, which signals you. In private trusted spaces it is fine and increasingly normal. Default to using the pronouns someone seems to want until they tell you otherwise. If you are queer yourself and meeting someone in a trusted space, sharing your pronouns can be a quiet way to identify yourself as safe.